His Desired

I wrote this on October 17 in my local McDonald's restaurant. Observation It's amazing how we pretend to be focused on nothing to avoid seeing and being seen . It's sad to live in a society where to avoid offending you miss out on observation . As if the only reason to look at something or someone is to find a fault with . But I do not watch to ridicule, or compare, o r even to make a joke of you . I watch to study. Because you are worth being observed . To become familiar with your mannerisms . To understand what triggers that deep crease along your brow . Frustration? Concentration? Anger? Worry? To know a piece of chocolate cake sparks a particular wrinkle at the inner corner of your eye. To be acquainted with all your audacious quirks. To hear the different rings of your many laughs . But to know you is to learn you . And to learn you is to study you . And to study you is to observe you . And to observe you is to look up and see you . There is no offence in that ....

My Dearest Child,    Stay soft. The world knows harsh and the world understands lies. But they do not recognize kindness for free nor truth in love.         Stay soft. It is easy to bask in the rays of the sun not realizing you have made a desert your home. Do not become scorched under the heat of heartbreak. Nor harden under pressure.         Stay soft. Remain pliant. Keep like clay. Mold able. Shape able. Form able. Where I can stamp into you the ways of my love, the marvels of my creativity, and the wonders of my mystery.        Stay soft. Do not drink the vices of pity. Nor eat the cakes of jealousy which grow green from spoil. Feast on bread that fuels your body with contentment and incomprehensible joy.        Stay soft. Stop drinking from puddles of bitterness. They will only leave you parched. Quench your dehydrated heart with living waters from an everla...

Follow-through: I think it is the hardest form of commitment. Often I find myself excited to begin a project. The passion elevated when beginning can be an adrenaline rush that takes all of you. What makes change exciting and terrifying is that you are willing to give all of yourself to making it work. Then we encounter the exhaustion of learning, the precipice of adjusting, the overwhelming demand to finish. When faced with doing something out of our comfort zone, we retreat. Then our actions do not follow through with our words but fall through. And our words are merely sounds moaned by fleeting emotion. No reliability. No honesty. Soon our inability to complete hinders our integrity, our relationships, our self growth, and even our place in society. When I was preparing for marriage, I told myself that it did not matter how tired I was I would have sex with my husband everyday if that was what he wanted. I was not going to become lazy in my appearance like I had watched so many wiv...

Sometimes I do not know what to write.  I do not know what thoughts to share or how to share them in words that will compel you to read, to know.  Right now I implore you to know how my heart breaks for brokeness.  How my insides quiver in anxiousness for anxiety.  How my feet are heavy for heaviness.  How my shoulders ache for the weights that burden them.  How I cling to emptiness for the sake of being empty.  Only then, while I drown will I breathe.  Inhaling water to fill the lungs that took the breath.  I am no more than the dust you kick from walking down paths not meant for destiny's sidewalk.  Yet this dust has risen.  I live because I died.  I laugh because I mourned.  I am because I was.  Nothing.  A vapor caught in the wind yet I formed.  I am seen through eyes that see.  I am heard through ears that hear.  I am known as child.  Yet I ascended ...

His Desired: Groceries and the Wasted Mind :    Have you ever noticed it is always easier to carry out a task when you have prepared yourself for what needed to be done ahead of time? I...

   Have you ever noticed it is always easier to carry out a task when you have prepared yourself for what needed to be done ahead of time? I work in sales and knew a new sale was starting this week so I familiarized myself with the fine print so as to better sell the products. Last night, my husband was going to make dinner. I went ahead and peeled and cut potatoes because it would save time in preparing the meal and because I know he hates doing that part. Well, today my great task was going grocery shopping. Normally, I am prepared. I clean out the refrigerater. I plan meals. I make lists. Not today. Today I winged it. I got a late start and in my haste to complete everything, I spent and hour at the grocery walking up and down aisle after aisle until I was satisfied with my choices. My head hummed with uncertainty as I questioned if I purchased everything I needed. My nerves were frayed. I drove home. I carried in my groceries and set them on the table. I opened the refrige...

His Desired: Just Try : I have recently found a new interest. One of which I never thought would capture my attention. It was not a book, or hobby, or even somethin...

I have recently found a new interest. One of which I never thought would capture my attention. It was not a book, or hobby, or even something pretty. It is an idea. An idea that started when I was a child. Somehow through the rugged terrain of my life that idea was lost beneath the volcanic ash of time, influence, and reality. Recently though, I went on an excavation adventure. An excavation of my heart, mind, and soul. An excavation of me. What I found buried under the decay was an idea. Within that idea was a dream.  I'm not brilliant or clever in any way. I'm sure if I were to take an IQ test my score would border on average. But I've never considered myself stupid. However, as I study the dream within the idea of my childhood I find myself asking when did I become so unintelligent? More specifically why was I stupid enough not to believe in the dream?  What was the idea? Simple really. My idea was that I was going to live a happy and fulfilling life. Not succumbing to...

His Desired: Self-Swindling : "All other swindlers upon earth are nothing to the self-swindlers, and with such pretences did I cheat myself." Great Expectati...

"All other swindlers upon earth are nothing to the self-swindlers, and with such pretences did I cheat myself." Great Expectations, Charles Dickens My husband surprised me with a birthday date on Monday, February 22, 2016. We woke early. He took me out of town.  We ate breakfast at Bob Evans. I had a hot cup of coffee that he enjoyed refilling for me whenever it allayed.  Then I would pour in a new flavor of creamer. He would ask me how it tasted and I would reply. Then we went to the mall.  He took me to Macy's. He took me to JC Penny.  I got my hair cut and am in love with my twenty-five year old appropriate hairstyle.  We shared a pretzel and Chinese food for lunch. He took me to Maurices, to Bath and Body Works, to Rue 21, to Old Navy, to every clothing store and then some.  We browsed FYE and engrossed ourselves with the energy of a day at the mall. Then he took me to the bookshop.  There were so many titles I hardly k...

   For the last seven days, I have posted pictures with my husband as part of the Love Your Spouse Challenge on Facebook. Coincidentally, on the thirteenth of this month, he and I will have celebrated seven years together as a couple. As I scoured my files for pictures I thought represented us and our relationship through the years, I could not help but reflect on the memories captured in those moments. Smile after smile painted my face as I formulated a collage of funny pictures we have taken throughout the last couple of years. More smiles came as I recalled our trips and vacations together. But when I scanned through the photos that captured tight smiles and awkward poses, my soul sang. Those are the best memories in my opinion. The memories that make you realize how far you have come and remind you of what you had to do to overcome the obstacles of life in order to travel to where you are now. Those beautiful hardships that maybe added a crease in your forehead, or wrinkle...

   Last month I wrote a piece on the importance of names. I am sure it confused many of my readers and others probably thought it was pointless. It was just a rant blog. But I promise there is a reason to my madness.    As an anniversary gift to my husband, myself, and our marriage, I decided to change my name. We will be celebrating our three year anniversary on the twentieth of this month. And yes, that is right...for the first two years of our marriage I kept my maiden name.   Now before you start scrunching your brows and ruffling your feathers, I had a perfectly good reason why I did not change my name. It was quite simple really. I loved my name. I loved the meaning of my name. I loved the revelation that came with my name. I loved the life in my name.   And now I've traded it and became a tree. Not even a sweet tree or strong tree. Or tree worthy of notice. I traded Desirae Ellen Johnson, Desired Gift of God, for Desirae Ellen Crabtree; Desired Dw...

I walked this morning while my charges slept. Morning's call beckoned me. So I slipped away. The reprieve did not last long but in my twenty minutes of alone time with Jesus, he revealed himself to me again in an unusual way.  As I walked back to my house, a small bird twittered just ahead of me. We seemed to be going in the same direction. The bird would hop. I would follow. This continued until we reached the corner of the street of the house I was staying at. I waited for the bird to choose his direction. Upon learning we would continue along the same path, I giggled. With every step I took, the bird skittered a little ahead of me. After the fourth skip, the bird stopped and looked at me.  Its beady little eyes glowered in my direction. The bird ruffled its pretty red and brown tail, then took flight. The winged animal flew to the other side of the road. Judging by the calculating glare he released my way before taking to the air, I could swear that he was not pleased wi...

   "What's in a name?".....       Juliet asked in one of Shakespeare's most famous plays.          I often have wondered the importance of a name.             Perhaps I just tend to think about things others don't.                Or maybe I put emphasis things that don't really matter.                   But I cannot believe or submit to that way of thinking.                      I cannot believe that a name has no worth.                         Not when God changed several names in the Bible.                            Not when a woman is required to change her last name to her husbands.             ...

I want to leave a legacy That redefines society's Definition of family That leaves a generation Quaking under the inferiority Of ways long forgotten And sacrifices made on the backs of ancient men Who understood the role of a father was to be vigilant and keep watch That mother dearest was to raise up a child in the way they should go That sons and daughters respected the authority of the ones before them Where men are gentlemen and woman are ladies When culture was defined by morals That were greater than selfie sticks and YouTube videos going viral I want to leave a legacy That clearly illustrates my standing In which my life is not my own I belong to the Highest Power And prayer is the backbone of my being That in the midst of temptations and sword Everyone will know whom my soul longs for And I am loyal, committed, determined never to stray From my first love Check my heart Check my arm His seal is marked within me ...

   I found myself pumping with adrenaline when I should have been sleeping peacefully next to my husband. I tossed. I turned. I sat up. I laid back down. Blankets were pulled close to my chin and then kicked off only minutes later. Conversations replied in my mind. I was in distress as my tormented thoughts raced with fervor. I was drowning in a sea of disappointment, doubt, and distraction. All my dreams, all my plans, all my hopes for the vision I was clinging too were sinking before my eyes. "Just stop thinking. Just go to sleep," I pleaded with myself. "God help me to relax," I prayed. But I soon found myself wide awake into the early hours of the morning.    I glanced at my phone. 2:47am. I groaned inwardly, scolding myself for my restless night. I picked up my phone and began to roam aimlessly through the few applications I possess. The Bible opened with a touch of my finger and I was quickly devoured by the words laid out before me.    ...

     Hello all my deprived readers! I know you have been lost without my occasional post but never fear because here's a new one from yours truly!      I'm just kidding. It's nice to be silly and anyone who knows me knows I do not think that much of my written ramblings. They are fun and a way to express what I normally cannot. But I do have a new post I would like to share. For those of you wondering what happened to me last month let me shed some light on the subject.       Beginning on January 10, I gave myself away by means of fasting. No, I did not go on a diet (although I probably should). I gave up reading. I gave up a part of my identity for twenty-one days in order to seek God and grasp hold of my true identity.       For me, reading has been a means of escape, of learning, of fulfilling many voids that I did not realize I had. Especially for writers because it feeds our word starvation. I hunger for wo...